When Bad Decisions Catch Up
Have you ever just known something was a bad idea, but you did it anyways?
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Sometimes I can be an idiot. This time, it was for a few different reasons, actually.
As I mentioned last week, I had EMG nerve testing done. I was referred to that doctor for Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS), and walked out with three newly discovered issues, plus two new, unsuspected diagnoses.
Where my ignorance plays a role is that Ms. People-Pleaser, Wanna-Be Super-Fit in my late teens and early twenties, lifting (too heavy) weights and carrying things by myself that were two-person jobs, feeling like I have to prove myself because why else am I built like a linebacker?-machismo-inspired bullshit only wrecked my body.
Granted, I didn’t know that being hyper-flexible could equal a connective tissue disorder that I would only worsen with the decisions I made while trying to prove that just because a woman is genetically large doesn’t mean she’s also “lazy” or all the other numerous falsities automatically inferred against people in big bodies.
Well, at least now I know why I have chronic pain beyond what someone carrying extra fat doe, and why I easily re-injure: EDS.
After a good deal of crying came laughter. (I got over feeling sorry for myself a while back.)
I went in to one specialist for one thing, and exited with three more completely surprising things, a referral to an entirely different specialist, and aggravated nerves in my forearms, hands, and left shoulder, which has made an already challenging existence more so.
The next dumbass move is more acute.
I was so nervous about doing public karaoke for the first time (meaning not just with friends in a tiny room, or at home with family), that the risk of COVID-19 infection only partially registered in my mind.
Not until after the bar started filling up did it fully hit me that maybe karaoke with an autoimmune disorder whilst COVID cases are on the rise again wasn’t a good idea…. And even then, I could not get my brain to break with the idea that even though I already submitted second and third songs, it doesn’t mean I have to stick around and sing them.
People were on top of each other, talking in each others’ faces — in my face. It was so loud you couldn’t hear what anyone said otherwise.
Even here in one of the highest vaccinated cities in the United States, coronavirus cases are climbing. Deaths and hospitalizations, luckily, are very low.
My family remained COVID-free for over two and a half years. Yet in the span of four hours in a small bar packed with bodies — singing, shouting, flirting — I changed that.
Looking back, it’s like I was asking for it.
Some people diligently followed COVID guidelines and still got COVID. I know of one person and his wife who have been so cautious that they haven’t left their home since March 2020. Still.
Meanwhile, I was so excited about karaoke that I threw caution to the wind, and last Monday I tested positive.
Moreover, although I’m a (barely-) walking comorbidity, thankfully I’m vaccinated and boosted. And my body, which treats a normal run-of-the-mill virus like it’s the Plague, responded well to the new mRNA technology (which is the only reason I was able to get vaccinated in the first place); thankfully it’s handling the virus much better than I thought it would.
The first three days after testing positive were horrible. But a week later, I’m finally on the mend. I think….
I still have vertigo so bad I’ve been scooting around the house in my office chair the whole week, and staying in surgical masks the entire time to avoid infecting my family. But still, my oldest tested positive on Saturday and I can’t stop thinking about how much of a reckless idiot I was.
But everyone has been so kind to me, and I decided to show myself the same level of compassion.
I won’t throw all caution to the wind moving forward, but mental health is important too.
And although I’d prefer to avoid this experience again, I’m glad I got a chance to be social, sing (the activity that makes me happiest), and get out of the house.
I made a mistake, but I’m happy to report that I’m recovering and that my oldest is already feeling much better too. And my younger two and my husband have been testing negative and seem to have either avoided it or have godly immune systems (definitely the husband’s genes there).
As much as I want to rag on myself for being selfish, and in my younger years: stupid with all the lifting and over-working causing long-term damage to my body, I’m not going to do that.
I’m going to give myself compassion right now.
I’ve made mistakes, but I forgive myself. And that’s all there is left to say.
My best,
Sara
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P.S. Okay, well, maybe one more thing to say: I luckily wrote the bulk of this message before COVID hit me hard. My brain is not recovering as well as I’d hoped, and doing even minor mental tasks has felt seemingly impossible. I’m going to do my best to consistently deliver these messages to you each week, but no promises—this was a painstaking challenge probably riddled with errors (but I don’t have the bandwidth to stress about it).
Fingers crossed my brain does a 180 and I recover fully, but for now I’m taking it easy and hoping for the best.
