I failed

A photo I snapped while walking in the South Lake Union neighborhood of Seattle a couple weeks ago.

First off, thanks for hanging on with me through lots of changes, and through seemingly more lows than highs.

I appreciate you.

Last week I promised 3 things that lift me up when I’m down, but the things I couldn’t control took over my ability to complete the things I could. So, I’m admitting defeat this week.

Our moving timeline went from two months out to one, and I’m absolutely not ready for it—physically nor mentally. I’m struggling for longer than I expected after quitting meds, but I think all the other things going on (in addition to moving stress) aren’t helping.

I’m not resigning myself, but I will take it easier. (Otherwise, I’ll officially be one of the worst bosses I’ve ever had.)

So, I’m throwing my plans out the window for the remainder of 2023. I had high hopes—frankly hopes too high for how I function, for the responsibilities I have, for the body I reside in, and the brain I wrestle with daily.

This definitely isn’t my first offense: I make plans as if I’m not chronically ill, don’t have three kids, am not neurodivergent, and definitely without carve-outs for any emergency, or even a simple one-day-weekly expectation that at least one (or more) of my kids will need a mental health day (or days, plural).

I’m overextended, and I’m showing my kids that overextending yourself and buying into Hustle Culture¹ is the right way to do things. Hell, I built a business on always hustling, and I burned out so hard I dropped it entirely. Yet, I continue, again and again, to act like this is what life is about.

I don’t want to be the elderly person saying, “I wish I took more time out for work.” But I often act like that’s the person I’m striving to be.

Definitely not the lessons I want my kids to learn.

Late last night, I realized I’d forgotten to finish the message for this morning. I’ve struggled with severe brain fog for several weeks, yet expected my brain to work miracles in just a couple hours.

But as I read through it, it dawned on me that it would be absolute bullshit to send it. I worked hard on the message and all the steps I took to create and share it with you, but I’m not okay right now. And the whole point was to share how I help myself get okay when I’m down.

Well, I’m still down.

The piece was tone-deaf to the fact that plenty of things are completely out of our control. And, right now, our family is fighting a huge battle together, in addition to tight-deadline moving now getting stacked on top (among other things…).

Although I can’t break confidence to share what’s going on (just yet), I’ll note that we’ll be okay. We’re working together and getting outside help from wonderful, caring people who want to see our family succeed. I’m grateful.

But it’s something that has taken over our lives, and I have to own that.

I also have to own how I run myself into the ground. That just because Brian can handle things (in general) better than I can, doesn’t mean I’m any less. Even though we’re a neurodivergent family, we’re not all wired exactly the same. Each of us have strengths and weaknesses that vary wildly. It makes us a strong family unit. We work well together. We’re stronger together.

We lift each other up.

Anyhow, I’m glad I waited until this evening to write and send this. I’m in a better headspace than I was yesterday, and it’s more authentic than the drivel I stress-patched together last night, and immediately wiped after reading it this evening….

So, I want to leave you with gratitude today. Thank you for being here. Thank you for sticking with me.

I’m taking each day as it comes. And my plans just so happened to be too big of a load for the path I’m on at the minute. I’ll survive, and as it usually does, these shelved projects and plans will be worlds better because I’ve saved them for a better time.

With that, I’ll likely offer you lighter messages until the new year. And I hope you’ll take care of yourself, too.

I hope you and your loved ones have a great week. If you celebrate Thanksgiving / Native American Heritage Day, I hope it’s one filled with good food and good people.

Thank you.

All my best,

Sara

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1. What Is Hustle Culture? Experts Explain Why It’s Toxic and How to Overcome It, Good Housekeeping