Values vs. Goals

A concept you can use to never run out of ideas, inspiration, and motivation.

Jan 03, 2023

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Never one for New Year’s Resolutions, I’d still force myself to say something when asked, even though I never meant it.

I thought resolutions were something everyone had to set—whether they actually did them or not—because people on TV talked about it.

(Naivety was my “first language”.)

So in lieu of making resolutions each year, I review the previous year, and set my 5-year goals and projects (my breakdown was discussed in the previous post). And, now, set my goals, projects, and values side-by-side to see how they all align and what changes should be made to keep them all congruent.

To note: I was a goal-oriented person prior major illness, but always felt like there was something missing, even after reaching a goal I’d set for myself.

Several weeks ago I struggled to break down my 5-year goals shared about in last weeks’ post. Then one day at my writers group, someone mentioned “values versus goals”.

Goals have an end date with an end result. When you reach a goal, it’s wise to set a new goal or risk stagnancy. But values are forever. When you function from a place of values, opportunities are never-ending.

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, goals are defined as “the end toward which effort is directed”. And values are “relative worth, utility, or importance, or something (such as a principle or quality) intrinsically valuable and desirable”.

I hate to admit that I had no idea what I truly valued, and would regularly produce a half-assed response to the question: “What’s your New Year’s Resolution?”

And although I’ve actively practiced this resolution-alternative method for years, I didn’t quite understand or nail down my values until recently.

Within the past three years, we learned that our whole family is Autistic. Since, four out of five of us have been officially diagnosed.

I got diagnosed and have since been on various medications for a condition called Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS). According to the Genetic and Rare Diseases Information Center, MCAS causes a person to have repeated allergy symptoms affecting several body systems. In MCAS, mast cells mistakenly release too many chemical agents, resulting in symptoms in the skin, gastrointestinal tract, heart, respiratory, and neurological systems.1

I got diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS, a Spectrum Disorder: a group of inherited disorders that affect connective tissues—primarily skin, joints and blood vessel walls).2 And I've since learned of and about my physical limitations. I now make regular accommodations for myself for safety and long-term health.

I had EMG nerve testing done in May (right before I caught Covid and infected my whole family…). The test revealed that I had significant nerve damage to the point that the doctor said he was shocked that I had any use of my hand. Later it was confirmed by a specialist, in addition to severe carpal tunnel, that I have internally detached thumbs due to the EDS. I had surgery in mid-October on my non-dominant hand and arm, and I’m somewhat putting off my dominant side out of fear.

I learned more about my family’s communication style and needs since the Autism discovery, as well. And we've since learned how to better function as individuals and as a family unit.

I gained better compassion and understanding for different types of people with different ways of thinking. As someone who tends to function from a place of “all or nothing”, I discovered that the world isn’t such a rigid, binary place. But this is still a major learning curve for me; Autistic brains tend to lean toward rigid thinking. My rigid thinking makes it harder to see and accept….

I learned, truly, how important it is for me to move my body every single day. Even if it’s cleaning my house over taking a walk, my brain and body need any sort of movement.

(I’m sure most all capable bodies do.)

I learned that my body, for all its flaws, is a powerhouse—the opposite of the “falling apart [vessel]” I used to think of it as. It can handle and get me through much more than I ever gave it credit for in the past.

Of course, I wish a global pandemic didn’t have to happen for us to slow down. But to be able to learn these things, we had to be forced to slow down. And the only thing I’m grateful for the pandemic lockdowns were the time it afforded our family to be together, and grow and learn together.

I’m grateful to the three therapists whom were there for me during my three different Stages of self-discovery over three years. And especially grateful to my current, neurodivergent-friendly therapist most of all.

I’m grateful for my husband. He's been so patient with my ever-changing existence. I'm grateful for his love and seeming acceptance of each version of me through every shift.

I’m grateful for my children who are all three incredible people, and I am so fortunate to be their mother.

I want to remember these positive things when life serves me up pain, discomfort, and even misery. Likewise, I want to always recognize my journey, acknowledge the rough bits, but look up and look forward to the future.

And I want to make sure I never let writing fall by the wayside again. Through light and darkness, I’ve always been able to pull myself up because of writing.

It’s how I process. It’s how I grow.

A little odd placement, but here’s a screen-grab from the New Year’s Eve fireworks display at the Space Needle. NYE full-video [ here ].

My main focus for 2023 is to be consistent within the parameters of my limits.

I’ll have the same surgery that happened on my right hand and arm on my left—my dominant hand—sometime this year. And, based on my current recovery, full-ish recovery seems closer to three months. (I’m currently in the 12th week post-op on the right side, and still experiencing some challenges. I’m confident in a three-month guess, especially since my left side is nowhere near as bad as my right side was…)

I’ll note that there are mornings where I can’t get out of bed—or if I do, I’m a zombie who ends up crashing midday, anyway. And there are other days where my connective tissue or mast cell reaction to foods, environmental factors, and heat prevents me from “zipping” around like I want to.

These limits dictate what I can do in my day-to-day, and I have to acknowledge and be mentally ready for them.

With that, setbacks or “creative dead spots” are going to happen.

There will be weeks at a time that I can’t get my weekly newsletter out. But as you’ve shown me, that’s only something that bothers me and less-so you.

Instead of beating myself up over all the things I can’t or struggle to do, I’m reframing my perspective on work and life.

With that, I finally gathered up the basic-yet-meaningful-to-me values after giving it some time:

I value all life, love, family (chosen-family included), happiness, creativity, mental health, and personal growth. I value learning, building, science, humanism, neurodiversity, and more.

My goals support my values.

Maybe “goals versus values” isn’t the mind-blowing notion to you that it was for me. But getting clear on what my values are was like gifting myself an endless well of opportunities and ideas; never-ending inspiration and motivation to keep pushing forward.

And even if I don’t meet my goals, my values are there to fall back on.

I know what’s good, and I know how to access what I need, when I need it.